come on baby

look out to the sea, they're waving for you to come to me.
won't you come to me?

fuck! fucked! fuck! >.< i thought it'd be different by now.


new year's eve..new year tomorrow..crazy shit. i don't know why i don't want to do anything. i'm losing it.

crossed fingers

we can only wait for so long
it's best that we forget what we're holding onto
but there's nothing left in my head but crossed fingers
wishing they could just relax again
nothing left to say but so long
i might have fallen asleep but i'm holding onto
whatevers left in my head, crossed fingers
wishing they could just relax again
wishing they could tug you back in 'till i get around to untangling
all you've got me wrapped into, all you've got me wrapped into
until i forget whatevers in my head, crossed fingers
wishing they could just relax again
i hope that you never come back here
i hope that you never come back here...you bitch.

d.c.


"keep me gasping for air and i'll always want more."

i know

i'm alone if i'm with or without you, but just being around you offers me another form of relief.


last night was a good time..friends, movies, video games, lots of pot, beeeer, and x-mas lights!
stayed up soooo late/early. now i'm with a baby and she's so cute =]


now i'm going to get high, wanna come?

you ain't gonna tie me down

You know we got problems and you failed to fix it,
I'm like, you need to go somewhere else with this shit.


on the really, yo.

i hung out with someone last night/today that i'd never thought i would again.
but it was the best. i had fun...but still something is missing.

it hasn't happened

i hate being alone yet i love it.
so much thought process goes through this though.
i'm trying hard, i really am.
i just want to know why? why?
why??? i am so confused.


"i miss you, but i haven't met you yet."

it's just that...

i only want to know why...

why would you leave like that?
why wouldn't you have said anything to me?
i hate you...and it's exhausting.

what happened?

it was me and you against the world.
now it's just me against you...and the world.

i want these days to go by so quick
i want to not be able to feel what i'm feeling

let's get out of here.

"i mend the pieces...

...only to break again."

regardless of the bullshit last night, i ended up having thee perfect night.
i sat with my best friend in front of a very nice view, drank and got super high.
drove by the mountains...got so faded..again. crazy daze.
thank you for always being there.
"from where?"

^_^ i can see clearly now...well almost!

freedom

beats everything.

today better be something better than the last ones.
crossing fingers.



i think i just might miss you more.

i can't if you won't

you are everything to me and nothing comes close to it.
but you don't need me anymore, and it hurts way too much.





i need a hug :(

exhausted

i'm tired and sick and tired then sick some more.
never fucking ending.



"you know the stripes on a tiger are hard to change."

winter

"crass said it best"

be exactly who you want to be, do what you want to do. i am he and she is she but you're the only you. no one else has got your eyes, can see the things you see. it's up to you to change your life and my life's up to me. the problems that you suffer from are problems that you make. the shit we have to climb through is the shit we choose to take. if you don't like the life you live, change it now it's yours. nothing has effects if you don't recognise the cause. if the programme's not the one you want, get up, turn off the set. it's only you that can decide what life you're gonna get.

so fucking true, it's sad. (well in my case it is)

whatever you want to do

i'm right there with you.

why does everything all of a sudden have to be so different?
i've realized a lot and i'm scared that it won't....
if i had the words i'd write 'em...but i don't.

"if i could make love to you every time we argued, we'd argue every night."

wishful thinking.
i'm here though.

through the pain

i always tell the truth.


i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
i'm sorry....i can't help but just be sorry.
as much as you hate it...i'm sorry.

"My friends they understand me better but don't whisper goodnight."

i can do what you do easy

BELIEVE ME.

i'm looking up and still...nothing.
it's all good, it will all work out in the end.
the end of the year is almost here!
i really hope i get to live in upland again.
i also hope today is a good day.
i love you.

oh and to set the record straight...i'm NEVER wrong. ^_*
even when i'm wrong, i'm right.

"focus on the things that are right, not wrong."
i'm trying!

i have a plan

if i'm really in the way of you making more money by selling weed then tell me to go the fuck away.

please. don't just say things to be mean...and if you did mean that then you should let me know.
you can make it or you can break it.

i'm so fucking miserable right now. all i want to do is sleep, sleep, and sleep. i hate everything around me and i hate being awake. i know i'm not concious though, because if i were then things would be so much easier to bare.

i have a plan though...and the outcome is all me. just me. for me.

we've come too far haven't we?

it tastes good on the inside

as sweet as the outside.


"i just gotta believe in you
but you don't give me any reason to"



le fin.

why me?

"if you did that you'd be perfect"

screw you. just go away, please?

i can't wait for saturday, i'm going to force myself
to actually do something for once. it's going to be
too fun. i know it. i hope to see some faces. ^_^

lakers tonight! yesssss. beer and pizza too! i just love my family....sometimes ;D

i want to make up

...but it just don't feel right.


i can't wait for thanksgiving. it's going to be so weird, but i can't wait.
i love tonight.

a better world has got to start somewhere

so why not with you and me?

you're so good and i'm far from it. i'm trying hard for you though.

"r pocket will my be happiness." -d 08 dec. 2005.

i would give anything to make my heart stop

hurting.

fuck, i knew it wouldn't last long. it's all going to end.

"i'd probably..."

if i could afford a gun

i'd be dead.

it's not fair to feel this way.

i love myself but i don't love the person i am :(

i feel left out. i feel lost. i feel frustrated.

i'm falling away from myself, you, and everyone else.

if you won't catch me...no one will.

bang bang

"everytime that i tried to tell that we'd lost the magic we had at the start, i would weep my heart when i looked in your eyes and i searched once again for the spark."

it all starts to fade

but when is it supposed to start?



It feels bitter when it should feel sweet, it feels ragged when it should feel smooth, it feels deep purple when it should feel pink. Death has thrown a stag party in the most sacred room in my body. From now on, that space belongs to life.

where'd it go

i read today that aloneness is better than loneliness

i don't like to be alone. does that make me lonely?

probably not.

they're everywhere...just mixed up. going every which

way and i can't do a damn thing. they're fucking

up my head, my time, me.

i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.

i don't talk becaucse i don't want your head to be

fucked up too.

where'd the spark go? where? i can't find it anymore

i can't feel it anymore. i guess it just goes away when

you do...like now.

sunny days

everytime i am with you, everything else goes
away.

thanks for being my very best friend, i love you.

i can't wait for today, tomorrow, and the next days ahead.

my stomach hurts
it's taco tuesday! yayay. laker day too, wooo.

it's such a pretttty day, let's go outside, yeah?

i can't wait to see you...i wish i had a bike.

lying lion

why do people have so much influence on each other?
it's horrible what they make you believe is real.
i want to believe what i want to but it's hard
when someone else on the other side see's it way
differently than you do.
i hate waking up and feeling like i'm believing in
something so wrong.
cause i know that sometimes...i am.

ijustwanttogoawaywithyou.
just you.

im killing you aren't i?

freezing hands

they make me feel numb.

i wish there were more days like these.

so relaxing, so calm.

"we watched the moon shine so bright."

i hate birthdays, so happy birthday!

fuck.

you seem fantastic

just fantastic.


i never know what to type
i never know what to say
i never know what to do
i never know...never say never, right?

i've got a problem with that.

i love what i've got and i hope it doesn't go away, ever.
that's better....yeah? i love this love.

why?
answer this.

you can't hide

from the truth.

it's always there, in front of you.
it's in your head, and it won't go away.
it's good and it's bad.
get rid of it.

i'm done.
let your games begin....oh wait they've already begun.
you're in for a big surprise.
yeah, you.

goodbye.

fuck a bitch

it's what you did. so fuck you.
O_o AHHH! shoot. get over it.

draonbieerltlemlaederid
that's what it's all about.
@#$%^&*()_)(*&^%$#

fuck the bullshit and move on.

out of focus

that's me. (even with my glasses on)




i had a very different weekend.
i don't know if that's a good or bad thing?
i'm thinking good, change is good.

i'm glad you're still here.

if i leave before you darling

don't you waste me in the ground.

i had an interesting day so far.
i sat at the park and smoked weed and cigarettes.
this day is so so perfect. (weather wise)
it could be other wise too, yeah?



i wanna be your eyes and show you me.

mia lynn madrid

she's thee best little kid in the whole entire world.
i swear, wanna meet her? haha =]











isn't she so beautiful!?
yeah, i know.
she's my lil' sunshine.

call it predictable

yesterday my dream was of you.
there's always something going on with me.
why can't i just wake up one day without having something
negative on my mind?

i had a good time in vegas.
i guess it is true...what happens in vegas
stays in vegas...for about a week? ha
super funny shit.

my friend baby d got me into an art show.
he is going to paint all over my body!
that should be interesting. i'm excited.

basketball season is almost here.
ras g and flying lotus are almost here.
the dba is going to be here soon.
get better. get better. get better.



i know it well.

over and over and over

i was so happy and excited to go to vegas until shit happened.
i never expected to get through it the way i did.
without you or you..or you.

i got to see angela yesterday.
we got really baked and talked.
i love talking with her but i wish
she would tell me more.
i like the way i feel when im around her.
i feel included. never left out.
like i do now.

again and again and again.
when is it going to just stop?
you saved me from this person
now you know this person
you really don't know them at all
you used to hate them
now you love them

this is no fun.
here i come vegas.
wish i could be far away from everything and everyone.
can you tell im so excited?



it takes away from all of me.

time to pretend

i'm speechless.

let's just go.

i love going to far places, but once i'm there i want to go somewhere else.
perhaps back to where i came from? i don't know..probably not.

thank you for being there for me. you're my very best friend.
i love you. i don't know what i'd do without you.
you really brighten my day, you know that?
i'm sure you do.




isn't it so pretty? :D

p.s.
things wouldn't be the same if you hadn't popped back into my life.
so THANKS! ^_^

nobody really knows.

really. i want to get to know you again. i miss you so much.
you're so different now, but i still miss you.
you were my backbone and now we're strangers.
let's be friends again, yeah?

i wanted to smoke earlier but couldn't because it would have been "wrong"
or something like that...which i don't think it would've been.
maybe awkward? but that's about it.

my fucking stomach hurts!!!!!
fuck me.


p.s.
how does it feel?
it doesn't feel good, does it?
i don't feel good.

all day long

i have these up and down feelings about everything right now.

i don't know how to tell you how i really feel about us right now.

fuck right now. i love/hate right now. my eyes are so watery

but nothing comes out. i wish things were so different for

everyone around me. everyone seems to have so much to

complain about. what about me? no one knows anything.

no one cares anyway...so i guess i shouldn't either.

but i do. i'm the listener, not them.



i really really really wish i could just tell you something that has been

bothering me...for quite some time now.

it's hurts my feelings, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

i can't let this happen again to me...you can't do this again to me.

please. you've already taken something away from me, just don't

do it again.



and i'm the bad person? i couldn't possibly be.

thank you for taking me back to where i wanted to be.

i won't tell you...

because...
it's not always just about you.
it's me, my feelings...just me.
okay? good.

sometimes i wish i was alone in all of this so no one
would question anything. if i wanted you to know
something i'd definitely tell you. i promise...not.

fuck!
i hope the lake makes me feel better, if we even go.

i want to come back to this place right here....



i'm sorry i get so mad. i'm sorry i make you mad.
i just hope that when i tell you, you'll be sorry.

i didn't want to seem lame

i'm so sick and tired of this. it kills me inside. i have no idea why.
fucking lame, man.
i'm going to the fair today! with my people.
got rolled in the mountains last night, but they let us go.
it was not funny. at all.
your vacay has been very nice. thanks thanks thanks
i want to tell you something, but i don't know how.




p.s.
i hope you're happy.

it's not right...

it's familiar.
that's how a lot of things are with a lot of people.
yesterday was a good day.
i'm glad we all got to hang out for your birthday.
vegas will be such an amazing time.
i can't wait for tonight, and tomorrow, and the days after that.
my people are theee best.




i miss you upland!!!!

i <3 you i <3 you i <3 you

that secret that we know

i spent an hour with you, could i want anything else?
nope. i'm so glad that you're around for me.
even though you fuck up, but i guess it's ok because you always
make me feel like in the end it will all be ok.
i can't wait to move out next year...things will
be ok. i know it. i'm so lucky to have such a close
friend that's a GIRL. cause i hate girls. no other girl
can come close to you. i promise. you're seriously
my person. i love that i have a sister and a best friend.
they make my days better.

call it predictable.....go ahead.

i'm in love with your honor
i'm in love with your cheeks

i can't wait for the weekend. i can't wait for the end of the month.
i can't wait for your birthdays. i can't wait to spend all my time
with you. it's what i've always wanted and i have it and nothing
or no one will get in the way.

to love is nothing.
to be loved is something.
to love, and be loved, is everything.
i'm telling you, love is all you need.

it is what it is

not for me. AT ALL.
im so sad that this is the beginning of how it starts.
why did you have to fuck it up?
maybe you didn't mean to but you sure as hell did.
all day it has been messing with me.
what to do? sit there some more. yup.
cause you have to.

i'm torn to pieces. i tried to do right, i really did.
that smacked me right in the fucking face.
damn it's too bad you can't mapquest your life.

it fucks with your honor
and it teases your head




d-fresh suckers.


now here you go again
you say you want your freedom
well who am i to keep you down
it's only right that you should
play the way you feel it
but listen carefully to the sound
of your loneliness

a fucking good song.

hands down

fuck. i get into the dumbest shit.
i'm so fucking tired of certain people
not liking other people. come on now
we're older now not in middle school!
god, im done. i try too hard to keep you
around cause i love hanging out but
it's too hard. i give up.


my nights used to be so fucking random and FUN.

like this....



fuck all ya'll haterzzz.

no one notices

if i stay or go.
these days get crazier everyday. one second
im thinking i am doing the right thing then the
next second i choose to do the wrong thing.
or is right wrong and wrong right?
i try to please everyone but in the end
someone always gets BUTT hurt.
im in a bit of a mess and i dont know
how to clean this shit up.




holy shit! look at me in high school. fuuuck that place. ;)


would it even be missed?

shit is shit

but everything happens for a reason, right?
right. i realized something today and it was very
relieving. i don't need anyone around like you.
i need people who are loving and caring.
i'm so glad i have you in my life now.
it's more than easy to get over something or someone
you just gotta work so hard towards it.
it's what i've done and i'm over it.
i love what i have now and nothing
will change it...nothing or no one.



nothing was more perfect than being here with you
my favorite place and my favorite person.
love is love is love is love!!!!
i keep telling you, it's what it's all about.
i love you...and you..and you.


p.s.

i never loved you.

(bastard!)

some people

are just fucking easy to read.
don't try to hide something
when you make it so obvious that you are
hiding something.
am i really a push over? cause i thought i was a bitch.


wrong.

i can't even post pictures!!!!!!! >.<


well guess what...

love love love

it's everywhere, you just gotta stop and you'll feel it.

i'm so fucking sick! i want it to go away. it won't stop me though

well at least i hope not. i need to know why i'm always so

confused with everything in life. there are things i'm absolutely

sure about and there are things i'm so unsure of.

i got offered to move out of california in the spring...

"wherever the wind takes us" i doubt i'd go, i love california too much.

i love the mountains and i'm determined to go very soon.

but this area SUCKS! i want to go up north or i want to

live in upland again. i LOVED living by the mountains.



it's art it's art it's art it's art




















it's all about love.

the more you leave...

the less you lose.

Today is tougher than yesterday, I'm not sure if I can get through this.
I know I have to though, it's just hard when nobody really knows and
no one can do anything to help the situation...because again..they don't know.
THANK you so much for creating such beautiful sounds. (boards of canada)
I feel like laying under a tree and smoking a cigarette OH and listening
to what I am listening to right now. ^_^



scared.

i'm not that strong anymore

I found out something today someone shouldn't ever have to.
I felt so horrible about myself and I didn't know how to deal with it.
So I smoked weed, and I came to the conclusion that my life doesn't have to end
because of this...I just have to take care of it before shit blows out of the water.
I am taking care of it. Right now. My life has been so fucking crazy lately. It's wonderful
having people in your life who care for you (as you).

I'm done, and I have no picture because I can't think of anything I'd want to see right now

i have this...

friend, rob...he's so awesome(ly gay)

check it

if you're ever sad...

i will be your smile.




yep.

and im trying so hard

fuck you.

mia lynn madrid

i love this little girl with all of meeee!
i miss you. so much...you have no idea.
"i erased all that we would miss"
time dont exist in my world, it's lame.




i ate a weed brownie and told my mom, she just laughed at me.
now im sitting outside in my backyard listening to good music, smoking a cigarette, and starring at the stars while im trying to write this. i hope that one day i dont regret a single thing, ever.

"i woke up...

in a bit of a mess, i've got a lot to forgive even more to confess."

it's finally 420! wow, i wish i was in san francisco or humboldt. so happy 420.
i can't believe i'm still up. i've had less than 10 hours of sleep in the past two days. i'm so burnt it hurts. i love/hate seeing things i've saved throughout all these years...its kind of enjoyable to know that at one time in your life you were doing a lot and at another time you were somewhere you had always wanted to be and at another time you were so sad. fuck
im tired...and probably make no sense.

gooodnight.
go lakers! fucking awesome.


my whole reason for staying up and being nostalgic was all because of this.

weird shit

ever since david tremayne came to cali...the weirdest shit has been happening.
i got the shit bit out of my left wrist and can barely use it.
traumatizing!
but it's good to have david down here...always a good time.
it seems like i've done so much in the past week..
it's pretty awesome because i'm moving soon so i'll have some good times before i do
well i hope so, we move in on monday! im so excited
no more dramamamamama.
this weekend is going to be so good.

i love california.

a new beginning

i cannot wait to move...it's going to be way chill
this weekend was pretty nice.
got to see my willy and i got to see my second family haha
oh AND got to smoke weed with my "brother" (he never ever ever smokes)
i heard something today that made me cringe!
i also heard something that made me want to punch a wall...
i hate hearing about him...makes me sick.
well im going to go get high now
fuuuuuck the fake.



you gotta stay high or you will lose your wings
"i love to tell the truth but im such a good liar."

be the healer

i had one of theee best st patricks day ever.
got super faded and drunk! got to see the mountains! fuckin' awesome
today was a good day. i hope the beach happens in the morning
i hope we move very very soon, i can't wait to get out of this crazy ass house
i think i just saw someone outisde of my window...fucking scary!
ok im outta here!

this is stevie..




"you don't leave the ones you love alone."

complete impossiblity

"I would give everything to never think of you again. I am only able to hold on to the things I want to lose and I can't interpret it. There is nothing wrong with not understanding yourself or understanding what's around you. I can't explain my need to myself, and that's why its such a beautiful need. The harder I try the more I think about it. I think, maybe if I can express myself rather than suffer, if I had a way to relieve the burden I am, then I live for nothing more than living, with nothing to be inspired by. But ill keep trying, trying to be something more than myself, more than just a burden. So even if you don't like what I am, I know what I am and that's enough for me. Your loss, not mine."


"I can't imagine a place without you. Im sorry I bother so much. I am trying hard to keep going on even with this constant voice in the back of my head telling me to just go. Go away, go far, go anywhere but here. You say you want me around then you tell me im a burden. The kind that sticks and won't let go, that's me. But I will keep sticking. I hope you know I mean no bad in this, I love you with my whole heart and no words come close to expressing the feelings that I have in me for you. If I weren't blind I'd see. See all you really do for me. Please just believe in me..for the sake of us, for me, and for the love we have for one another. Again, I can't imagine a place without you. I love you."

what would you do without it all?
remembering things just makes it feel like you're in that moment again.
sometimes it's nice and sometimes it ruins everything...i guess in this case
it's nice.

fuccccck you.

i fucnkig dnot gvie a fcuk.

the desert was too nice.
it was awesome to get away and be so far from everything.
lots of brew and weeeeed.
that's all i have to say right now!

check out this awesome house...we got to party here

fucking up

it's funny when you go into something so new but it all seems so familiar
weird shit! im going to palm springs today, i hope i have a good time
will took me to the mountains last night...if it wasn't so cold up there i wouldn't have wanted to leave. im in loooove with the mountains.
i hope things get better between us...i really do.
i was so dazed and confused last night, i never felt that way before!
i got out of it though somehow...

let's go!

yea, i blow clouds

blown. >.<

the desert was a bust! but it's ok i'll get to go one day.
my parents left for tonight so you know what that means..
chillin with the homies! very nice ^_^
i hope i find out what i want out of everything
i never thought i could be so mad at someone
but last night he pushed me to my limit and i couldn't stop shaking
fuck me for letting him get to me. so pissed
well im outta here for the night.. peace!


"water is life"

learn to live

the lakers kicked ass last night...so good!
another game tonight...i better get to watch it.
im glad things cleared up and i can move on now
leaving for the desert tomorrow morning
ive never been, so im hoping it will be a very good time

let's go to yosemite!



i hope that in the end it is all worth it.